


Let me paint a mental picture portrait

by fear_her_blurryface



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anger Iusses, F/M, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-17
Updated: 2017-02-17
Packaged: 2018-09-25 03:26:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9800717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fear_her_blurryface/pseuds/fear_her_blurryface
Summary: When two broken people meet, they can try to fix each other. Well, they can try at least. But if they failed, it leades straight to end in tragedy.





	

Actually, Josh was not like that. He was not mean, embittered and violent. Actually, he was only sad and alone. Actually, he wanted only someone who loved him for himself. But perhaps that was too much to ask for. What did he have to offer, except a helter-skelter of emotions and panic attacks? Nothing.  
One day, when he was sitting under a tree in the park and tears of frustration were running down his cheeks, he suddenly heard a voice saying, "Um, sorry, but you don‘t seem to be doing well. Can I help you? "He looked up and a young woman knelt in front of him. She was not a beauty, but from her eyes spoke honest apprehension. In the first moment, he would have liked to tell her to fuck off, but the desperate part of him kept him from running out his spikes. "Um, I don‘t know how you can help me" he replied. "We can make a try, right?" She gave him courage. He looked at her uncertainly as she continued, "I'm Abby and what's your name?" "Josh" he retorted hesitantly. "Well, Josh, then tell me what's depressing you." She sat in front of him in a tailoring seat style, waiting as he struggled for the right words. "Um, I don‘t really know how to describe it ... I feel so alone ... and that makes me angry and I hate it, when it makes me angry and then I think I deserve it because ... "He let his head hang and new tears began to run down his cheeks. He was sure Abby was leave him, but instead he felt her hand gently on his. He looked up, amazed, and saw that she smiled at him with warm eyes. With the other hand she held out a handkerchief. This simple gesture made a smile flit across his face as he took it. " I can understand you. Loneliness can be destructive. Do you have someone to talk to? "" No. Nobody wants to be friends with someone whose panic attacks regularly cause public disapproval "" Hm, then these people are really stupid. This wouldn’t bother me "she replied, smiling shyly. "Maybe..." Josh said uncertainly.   
At this moment, Abby's phone rang and she said apologetically, "Sorry, I have to pick it up. It's my boss. "Yes," Josh couldn‘t understand the voice on the phone, but tried to make a connection from her answers. "Hm, it‘s just not a good moment, but if you don‘t get another one, I'll be there in half an hour." She finished the call and sighed. "I'm really sorry Josh, but I have to go". He nodded, but couldn‘t quite hide his disappointment. Abby saw him look at her cell phone and asked carefully, "Um, if you're interested, I can give you my number and you can call me if you like." "Yes. I was just afraid to ask, "he admitted. "I know we've just got to know each other, but I assure you that you never have to be afraid to ask me something." She wrote down her number for him, rose and said as a good-bye: "It pleased me and it would be nice to hear from you again "Josh looked after her and wondered if he had found a new friend in her.  
A few days passed, which didn‘t go very well for Josh. The layers in his work became more and more a hell for him and he had never been good at dealing with customers. He could not handle her mockery. And it was simply nothing more humiliating than to get a panic attack in front of a customer. His boss had warned him the last time. The next time he will get fired. He sat in his apartment on the couch and was thinking about himself. Why was he so goddamn weak, why was he such a loser? He couldn‘t get anything right. He was just a waste of life. Pure self-hatred exploded inside him and he grabbed a razor blade and began to pull her wildly over his forearms. Within seconds, blood began to swell and drip to the ground. But Josh hadn‘t had enough at this point. He began to work his thighs with the blade too, and did not leave them until he saw no more skin through the whole blood. Then he reached for the whiskey bottle, which stood on the couch table and let the burning liquid run down his throat. He didn‘t want to feel anything anymore. A little later, everything began to turn and he felt asleep. He dreamed. He was back in the park, watching the flash of Abby's face as she shyly smiled at him and said something to him. He couldn‘t understand what, but he felt more comfortable with her words. Then everything disappeared into darkness and he began to feel a burning throb. He woke up and looked down at his thighs and arms, which still had dried blood. This was accompanied by a nausea, which was clearly due to the alcohol. With trembling fingers, he reached for his phone and called Abby's contact. After the third ring, Abby picked up, sleepy. "Mm, hello?" "He-Hello. Here's Josh. "There was silence for a few seconds, silence in the line until he heard her voice again. "Ah, hello Josh, is everything okay with you?" "Um, ...“ he began, but the courage left him. "Okay" he heard her again. "Where are you?" "At home." "Should I come around?" "Would you?" He asked in a trembling voice. "Yes. I just need your address. "He handed it to her and she said finally " It can take some time. It is two o'clock in the morning and I have to take my bike because there’s no buse service this late. I'm trying to hurry. Hold on."  
When Josh rose from the couch, his nausea became overpowering and he stumbled into the bathroom. After a while, he came back to the living room and suddenly realized that Abby was driving through the city at two o'clock in the morning. A wave of embarrassment and feelings of guilt was about to wash over him when his door bell ripped him from his thoughts. He opened the door and Abby stood with a bag in her hand in front of him. Her eyes grew wide as she looked down at him and caught his condition. Now Josh was also aware that he was only in boxershorts in front of her. "Josh, why didn‘t you call me earlier" she whispered. Josh was beginning to tremble and tears began to run down his cheeks, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he repeated. She took his hand and leeds him to the kitchen and started to treat his wounds in silence. Josh looked at her suprised and grateful.  
When she was done, she grabbed two sandwiches and a bottle of water from her bag and placed it on the table, "Please be so kind and eat something," she said gently, leaving the kitchen when Josh asked, "Abby, where did you know you needed dressing material? "I did not know," she replied, "but I guessed," and she was out of the door, and while Josh was eating, he heard her acting in the living room, and she came back a few minutes later with a big knot of kitchen paper to take it in the trash can. When she reached for a wet rag, Josh protested, "You don‘t have to clean my mess." She just shrugged and said, "I take your objection" smiled shyly and was out of the door again. Josh munched on his second sandwich, trying to understand why Abby did all this for him. He found no answer. At least no answer he wanted to admit to himself. When he finished, he hesitantly entered the living room just to find out that she wasnt there. He heard the toilet flush in the bathroom and wondered if she had cleaned up the disaster there, too. To get into the bathroom, he had to pass through his bedroom and stopped there in amazement as he looked at his bed. The pillows and the duvet were arranged so that he only had to go in. A t-shirt and boxers were waiting for him on the top. He couldn‘t help but smile and in this moment Abby came out of the bathroom and looked at him questioningly. "I hope it was okay?" and looked to the bed. "Yes. I'm just not used to the fact that someone cares so much about me, "he admitted honestly. "Um well, I do" she replied, looking down. "Would you like to talk about what happened?" She asked, changing the subject. Josh looked at her uncertainly and said, "Um I don‘t know. You've done so much for me, tonight ...." She waved as she said „No cause. It would really interest me, what the reason was. " " Okay, "he sighed, changing his clothes quickly before he sat down on the couch in the living room. She listened to him in silence and nodded only here and there. When he finished, she said, "Josh, I think you need a different kind of job. In an area where you feel safe. Also, you have a connection to. And until then, always remember that you will not be doing your job forever. And if a customer bugs you, try to imagine the day when you march out of your old shop and never return.“  
The thought of it, let spread a big grin on Josh's face. " You can think about, what you would really like to do, and we could look, what we can make of it " she said, brushing his cheeks. "That’s a really good idea. Thanks for all Abby" She just shrugged "Never mind. Um, should I still stay or would you rather be for yourself? "A cold running down his spine, at the thought that she was leaving him, and he said," Would you mind staying there? I don‘t want you to go through the night alone and something happens to you.“ "Okay" she agreed, adding, "Well, then I'd ask you for to go to sleep, cause I need some rest. Else I will not be able to do anything tomorrow and so, you will. "He nodded in agreement and wished her a good night before retiring to the bedroom. The next morning she wasn’t there anymore, when he woke up. But he found a breakfast and coffee for him on the kitchen table. There was a note on the stand: ‚Dear Josh, I hope you slept well. I wish you a nice day. Stay strong. Hugs, Abby‘  
He smiled as he poured himself his coffee. While he ate he sent her a text message: 'Good morning Abbs, slept well and thank you for breakfast. Hugs, Josh' A few minutes later, he got an answer:' Abbs?! ‘ ‚Not good?‘ , It‘s okay, Jish‘  
Josh tried to find a new job, but nothing worked. And so it came as it had to come. After he had another panic attack in front of a customer, he was fired without notice. He felt like a piece of shit, meaningless, wasting space and air. His existence was so useless. Nobody cared, whether he lived or not. Stop - Abby cared. He pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and wrote her a message. , Hello Abbs, would you have time for me, today? "A few minutes later, his cell phone buzzed, Sure. If you like, you can pick me up from my work and we can go eat somewhere. 'Josh smiled as he wrote back. I just need the address and the time 'Abby gave him the information and concluded,' I'm lokking forward to' ' Same 'he replied, and he realized surprised that he really could feel it. Where, a few minutes before, deep hopelessness prevailed, he felt now a light beam penetrate his darkness.  
Josh wanted to be punctual and so he was there a little earlier. Surprised, he found out, that Abby was working in a home for disabled children and adolescents. Through a large window he could even see them. A girl came up to her and hugged her. Then they both began to dance and laugh. Josh smiled, too. The scene was simply touching. Shortly after, Abby was relieved and came out of the door with a man a few minutes later. "Hello Josh" she greeted him and smiled. "This is my boss Tyler" she introduced the man beside her. Tyler gave him his hand and smiled. "Hello" Josh said shy. Abby and Tyler exchanged a few words because of the shift plan and wished each other a nice evening. When Josh and she had gone a few steps, she asked, "And where do you want to go to eat?" "Would you mind Taco Bell?" "Yeah, okay." Josh grinned. "Can I tell at your grin that you like to eat there?" "Yes. I'm full into the stuff "Abby laughed as Josh grinned more. Ten minutes later, they sat at the table and ate their tacos when Abby asked, "Well, Josh, what happened?" He swallowed his mouthful and said, "I had a panicattack in my work again, and this time I was fired." "Did you ever think about what you would really like to do?" So if I really had the choice, I would like to work in a music store, "he sighed. "Hm, I think I can help you maybe." Josh glanced up at her as Abby pulled out her phone and called someone. "Hello Tyler, sorry I am disturbing you, but is your friend looking for someone for the store? .... That's good. Do you think it would be okay if Josh had a look at it? Well, I'll tell him. Oh, Josh suffers panic attacks. Do you think Mark would have problems with that? .... That's great! I thank you like crazy, Tyler and of course also Mark. Tell him greetings from me. See you tomorrow and thank you again "She hang up. When she saw Joshs face, her smile died. Tears where running down his cheeks. "Josh, did I do something wrong?" She asked worried. "No, no ... I just cannot believe that you have just organized me an job interview in my favorite work" he sniffed. She grabbed his hand and brushed her thumb across his cheek. "Jish, I didn‘t do anything. All this is just a fortunate coincidence." She described him the location of the shop and gave him the time when he was about to come around. He began to tremble and muttered, "I'm afraid to screw it up." "I don‘t think so" she assured him. "Mark is really a nice guy. You don‘t need to be afraid of him either. And he has no problem with your panic attacks. "Josh looked at her gratefully."Abby, why are you doing this for me?" "Because you're important to me" she said simply, shrugging as if it were the most self-evident in the world. He got big eyes "Important?" "Yes" "I was never important to anyone. Rather annoying "Abby squeezed his hand and replied" You're definitely not annoying or bothering to me "and smiled shyly at him. "Let's go?" Josh nodded and they left the restaurant. The nearer they came to the crossroads where they would part, the more Josh starts to tremble. "Is something wrong?" Abby asked.  
At that moment, he turned to her and clung to her as if his life depended on it and sobbed in her shoulder. "Hey, ... everything is okay," she tried to calm him, but it didn‘t help much. She began to stroke him softly over his back and began to hum a melody. Slowly he became quiet. As he breathed evenly again, she stopped. He raised his head and whispered "Thank you" "No cause" she answered softly. "Abby, can I ask you for something?" "Sure" "Would you stay with me at my place, tonight?" " Sure" Josh relaxed and they continued their way.  
When they arrived in his flat, Abby wanted to prepare the couch, when Josh cautiously asked, "Um, could I ask you for anything else, Abby?" She nodded. "Would you mind, if you were not sleeping on the couch tonight, but ... in my bed? I promise you, I will not do anything to you. "Josh began to tremble slightly. She gently stroked his cheek when she said, "Josh, I don‘t know if it's such a good idea." He was surprised when he saw her eyes flashing with fear?. "Abby, you really don‘t need to be afraid. I swear to God, I don‘t do anything. It's just ... I just need the feeling that somebody is there, physically ... " " Okay, I know what you mean. Well, fine. "Josh couldn‘t remember when he'd felt so safe the last time as he was laying in Abbys arms. He drifted into a deep sleep and had a beautiful dream. This wasn’t happen since ages.  
When Josh woke up the next morning, he heard sounds from the kitchen. Abby stood at the stove and made scrambled eggs. She was so lost in thought that she didn‘t notice him. Josh looked at her and noticed things that hadn‘t occurred to him yesterday. Her was tied to a wild knot, which made it possible for him to see her neck better. Dark bruises, which had clearly been fingerprints, were placed there. As his gaze wandered down her body and remained on her forearms. His heart sank even more. There were scares dragging along their forearms, some still not quite healed. On her thighs he saw more scars and bruises that weren‘t healed properly. He suddenly realized why she didn‘t want a T-shirt to sleep and why she had asked him to dim the light to a minimum.  
At that moment, she noticed him and saw the shocked expression in his face, she shrank and began to tremble. "Josh, I'm sorry, I didn‘t want you to see that .... I think I'm going better, now. "She hurried to pull the pan from the stove and wanted to pass him, but he blocked the way. When she saw that there was no hindrance, she backed away and tears began to run down her cheeks. " Josh, please ..." she whimpered as he walked up to her and she continued to walk backward until she stood with her back against the kitchen wall. She lifted her arms protectively, as if she were waiting for his fist punching her face. This gesture shocked Josh the most. "Abby" he said gently as he put his hands around her arms carefully and slowly took them from her face. When he saw her eyes, full with terror, his heart drops. "Abby, it's all good. I'm not doing anything to you. Hey, ... "and he hugged her carefully. She was trembling like a leaf and only after a while she put her arms around him, too. "I'm sorry ..." she murmured into his chest. "You don‘t have to be sorry," he assured her, kissing her gently on the forehead. When she had calmed down, they cooked the breakfast together and sat down at the kitchen table. Josh went a thousand questions through his head and he couldn‘t help but speak them out loud. "Abby, can I ask you who did this to you?" her fork fell out of her hand, as she looked at him ashamed and murmured "My ex-boyfriend" "Did you reported it to the police?" She shook her head and looked down. "Abby, you don‘t think you deserve this, right?" He asked, shocked. But when he saw her face expression, he was fully confirmed. "Oh my God ..." it slipped out. "I'm sorry" she suddenly said, looking lost. "What are you sorry for?" He asked in astonishment. "I'm sorry, I'm not what you saw in me. I'm not the strong rock in the sea and I wish I could be a better friend to you, but I'm nothing more than a broken woman who is useless to anyone. "Joshs jaw dropped. "Abby, this is not true. You helped me in the last few weeks more than anybody ever did for me. "She just shrugged. "That was nothing." He wanted to protest, but her eyes silenced him. "Do you know what you want to wear for your job talk?" She asked changing the topic. "Hmmm, I didn‘t think about it ... My black jeans and my NASA shirt maybe" Abby grinned and asked "Do you want to start a job at the NASA?" Josh understood "Okay, this could be became confusing. And if I just put a white shirt on? "She nodded. He disappeared into the bedroom and came out a little later. "Would you hire me like that?" "I'd have you hired with the NASA shirt, too" she laughed. They set off together. As they stood before the entrance to Abb's work, Josh said, "Abby, I'm so terribly excited. What if I do something wrong? "She took a ribbon from her neck, with a simple key and put it around Joshs neck. He looked at her questioningly. "For you as a talisman. A part of me is with you, now. I like this key very much.He doesn‘t have a real function, but for me he symbolizes something elementary, "she told him. "Thank you" he said, touched. Finally she hugged him and whispered in his ear "I believe in you" and gave him a kiss on the cheek. When she let him go, she added, "And now get the job, tiger!" she smiled and disappeared in the building. When Abby came back through the door after work, Josh was already standing in front of the door and had put on a Pokerface. "And?" Abby asked impatiently "How did it go?" On Josh's face spread the widest grin that Abby had seen so far. "I got the job and can start tomorrow" he announced. She jumped up, joyfully, and embraced him, "It's so cool! I'm so proud of you! "When she let him go, he asked," I would like to invite you to a pizza for the celebration of the day. " " Oh, and where? "" Do you know this exclusive restaurant on the High Street? "" Yes "" I would like to go there "Abby grinned" Not exclusive enough. I've got a better idea: you, me, a big pizza, 2 Red Bulls, tree in the park "Josh giggled." Oh, you are right, that's just good enough. "He put his arm around her shoulder and they set off in the park. After eating the pizza, they leaned against each other against the broad tree trunk and looked up at the stars. "Well, if this is not a very exclusive sight, I don‘t know either" joked Abby. Josh looked at her warmly and said, "Yes, he is." But he didn‘t look up, but looked at her. Even before she could think about whether they thought the same, Josh leaned forward and kissed her gently on the mouth. She was totally perplexed. "I hope it was okay" he whispered. She looked at him, still surprised. "Are you sure you really want that?" He leaned back and kissed her again.  
Both were happy with each other. Josh became more self-confident and Abby became more open to him. When they had sex for the first time, Josh gave himself the extra effort to be as tender as possible, knowing that his girlfriend hadn‘t any good experiences on this.  
Josh felt a harmony in him that he hadn‘t thought he was able to do. But with time, these harmony cracks. He felt a dissatisfaction within him, from which he couldn‘t tell where she came from. When he came home one evening and Abby had cooked for them, he snapped at her, "Why did you cook? Have you ever thought I wouldn‘t like it? "She looked hurt at him and muttered " Excuse me, just tell me what you want to eat. "" At least not that "Josh answered turned around and was back through the door. She was standing lost in the doorway of the kitchen and slowly lowered the cooking spoon. After pulling the food from the stove, she sat down at the kitchen table and stared at it. It was not the first time she had such episodes with her partners and she knew exactly how it would end. She would have stared further at the tabletop, if her cell phone wouldn’t starts to buzz, and torn her out of her thoughts."Hey Abbs, could you take over Roger's shift?" askedTyler. "Yes" she said with a sigh, "I'll be right there." She grabbed her jacket and was out the door.  
"Good morning, Josh" she told him as she returned from the night shift. "Morng" he murmured. Where were you tonight? "" I took a shift at work."Josh looked at her skeptically " Fine " and stirred his eggs in the pan. "Josh, if you want, you can call Tyler and ask him, if you think I was somewhere else" "As if Tyler wouldn‘t lie for you" "Okay Josh that is enough. Tyler doesn‘t need to lie to for me. I don‘t know what I've done to you, but if you don‘t want to be with me anymore, just say it"He doesn’t replie "Okay, your silence is an answer, too" and she turned away, dressed and left the apartment.  
Josh slammed the cooking spoon into the sink. Why was he such an ass? Abby had done nothing to him. He reached for his cell phone and dialed her number. Seconds later he heard a ringing from the living room. She had forgotten her cell phone. He went into the corridor where she had hung her shift plan. She would work today until 8 pm. He had until 9pm, today. He wouldn‘t be able to talk to her before 10pm. Then he had to go through. He sighed and finished his breakfast.  
On the way home from work, he bought a bouquet of flowers and wanted to invite her for dinner, but when he came to his apartment Abby was not there. Her mobile phone was missing, too. He tried to call her, but she didn‘t pick up. He wrote her a text message: 'Abby, I'm sorry. I was a total ass. Let us talk, please' Half an hour later he received an answer, First, think about, if you still want our relationship. If you cannot trust me, it makes no sense. I want to be for myself, a few days‘ 'Okay' he wrote back, please sign up if you want to talk '  
Since a week he heard nothing of her. His apartment felt cold and empty, and when he lay in bed in the evening, he missed her warm body next to him. Every day he send her some kind words, and hoped to convince her that he was really sorry. A ringing called him to the door, one evening. When he opened, Abby stood in front of him and looked shyly. He pulled her into the apartment and hugged her tight. Then he covered her face with kisses until she began to giggle.  
They talked, and Josh was happy to be able to have her back, when they were cuddling in bed at night. As she stroked him tenderly through his curly hair, she remembered their conversation. "I don‘t know why I get so angry, sometimes" Josh admitted. "It's almost like I want to destroy my happiness, because a part of me thinks, that I haven‘t earned any luck." She understood him more on this point, than he guessed. Abby had constantly that feeling, she hadn‘t earned any luck. But she had never told anyone. And Josh would never know, too.  
The next morning, he hugged her from the back as he entered the kitchen, put his head on her shoulder, and whispered, "Good morning, my sweet little roly-poly" Abby froze inside. A part of her knew that Josh hadn‘t meant it in a mean way, but it went straight to her hate of her ugly body. She had to exert all self-control to hide her inner struggle. "Good morning, Jishwa. I made you scrambled eggs. Hope it's okay "" Yes, of course, "he said, letting go and disappeared into the living room. When they both sat at the kitchen table, and she stared into her coffee he asked. "Abby, is everything okay?" "Yes" she muttered. "Slept badly" He looked at her skeptically, but let it go. "If you want, I can pick you up from your work, today?" She suggested. "Yes, that would be nice" he replied and smiled at her. When she entered the shop just before the end of the day, Mark pointed to the back in the direction of the storage room when he saw Abby. She stoped in her tracks, as she saw, that her friend was not alone. A blonde pretty woman, who was just playing with Josh's hair as he was about to put something on the shelf. "Tell Joshie, could we go for a drink together?" she offered him. " Sure, Samantha" He grinned back. Abby didn‘t know how to react to the whole thing. Samantha began to draw circles on Josh's chest with her pointing finger, as he turned to her and smiled at him. Abby cleared his throat and the two of them looked surprised in their direction. Josh's eyes grew wide and he stammered, "Oh, hello Abby. This is my colleague Samantha. Samantha, this is my girlfriend, Abby "" That's your girlfriend?" The blonde woman asked incredulously. She looked down at her with a disdainful smile. Abby had still not quite recovered from the incident in the morning and Samantha's gaze only made it worse. But what hurt her the most though, was Josh's gaze. He was visibly overwhelmed to take a statement for her. Abby knew what that meant. She looked at Josh with sad eyes and said softly, "I'm waiting for you outside." Even before he could reply, she turned away and left the store. When he came to the door a few minutes later, Abby wasn‘t there.  
Josh knew he had screwed it. Really bad. Why had he let himself into this flirt? Because he longed for recognition, because he was addicted to affection and because he couldn‘t deny, that he found Samantha quite attractive. But would he really want to exchange her for Abby? Did he really want to have such a girlfriend who was apparently very easy to get? Did he really want to ask himself when he turned his back, whether she cheated on him? His mind wandered back to Abby. She was more of a simple beauty and didn‘t have the body of a supermodel, but she was loyal and really loved him with all her heart. God, he was an idiot. He tried to call her, but he didn‘t succeed, and after she was turning off her cell phone, he knew it was quite hopeless. He was still walking around the area, trying to find her, but he couldn‘t find any trace of her. His last hope was that she had gone to his place, but she wasn‘t there either. And why? How could he suppose she was with him, after he messed up? He really was an idiot. He made his way to her apartment.  
He was happy to find the apartment block door open. When he was standing in front of her door, his heart beat to his throat. Shortly after he had rung, the door opened and Abby looked at him in surprise. "You here and not with Samantha in the next pub?" She said snappily. He sighed, "Abby please, let me explain." She stepped back from the door and let him in. "Abby, I'm really sorry. Samantha attacked me with her violent flirt so much, that I didn‘t know how to react. I thought when I agreed to go with her for some drink, she left me alone. It was all to much for me, and I know that is not really a justification, but I hope you can forgive me for being such an idiot" he stammered, looking down. "Yeah, you're an idiot" she replied simply "And I'm one, too." Josh raised his head confused. "I know I'm not attractive. I'm not one of those dolls that men can run like a status. I never was, and I will never be. The thing with Samantha just showed me once more, that I should let it be, to imagine that someone loves me for my own sake" " I ... "Josh began, but she interrupted him" Don‘t dare to tell me, that you would do that. In the end, you're only here because you're hoping for forgiveness for your behavior. "Joshs jaw dropped. His reaction confirmed Abby only in her guess and she said tired "Josh, it's okay. I'm not angry at you. And now, please go." He stood there for a moment, uncertainly, before he answered "No. I will not go" She looked at him with weary eyes, from all the light had gone and replied „Then not" She turned away and disappeared into the bedroom. Josh didn‘t know what to do. Follow her? Staying in the living room and sleep on the couch? Out of an impulse, he decided to follow her into the bedroom. He opened the door and paused in his motion as he saw her. She stood in the room and had just turned on a sleeveless shirt, which gave him a look at her arms, which were bandaged. In some places he saw dark spots where the blood leaked through. "Oh Abby, no ..." he whispered. She looked at him apathetically and shrugged. Something snapped in Joshs mind. He became extremely angry. On himself, on Abby, on everything. Before he knew what he was doing, he had pinned them against the next wall and shouted at them "WHY? WHY DID YOU DO THAT? YOU HAVEN‘T DONE THIS!!! It was MY BAD !!! "When he saw the pure terror in her eyes, he came back to himself and let go of her. " Oh my God, I didn‘t want to, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!!! I don‘t know what has driven into me. " In the meantime she had sunk on the ground, burying her face behind her arms and knees, trembling. Josh knelt to her on the floor and began gently stroking her shoulder. "Abby, I'm really sorry" he said again and again. She cried silently to herself, but he didn‘t get tired of trying to calm her down. Somehow she fell silent, looking at Josh with sad and tired eyes. "I'd like to sleep" she whispered. "Yes, of course" her boyfriend responded immediately and helped her up. "Can I lie down next to you?" he asked cautiously. "Do whatever you want" she said exhausted. He hugged her gently, but she didn‘t react. She rolled into a ball in the bed and Josh knew too well, that he had done a huge damage. He gently stroked her back as he wished her a good night, but kept her distance.  
The next morning, Abby wasn‘t there when Josh woke up. In the kitchen he found coffee and some cereal. There was a piece of paper beside it., Josh, I had to go to the early stage. I have only coffee and cereals. Have a nice Day. Abby '  
Joshs heart sank as he read her message. He hadn’t deserved it otherwise. Why did he have to hurt anyone who was close to him? He turned his layers at work so that he didn‘t have contact with Samantha anymore. He knew that this wouldn’t change the disaster with Abby. After his shift he didn‘t really know what to do. He checked his cell phone, but Abby hadn‘t send a message. He sighed and wrote , Dear Abby, I’m really, really sorry,what happened yesterday. Please tell me how I can make it undone. I love you, Josh ' A few minutes later, he received an answer, Give me time'  
The weeks went on and at some evenings he sat on the Couch in his apartment with Abby's T-shirt in his hands, crying for hours. He took it to bed with him, to escape the feeling of being alone. And there were the other evenings. The evenings he spent in the bath room and the razor blade drove over his skin and his blood colored the white tiles with red.  
When he almost given up hope hearing of Abby again, she was standing in front of the music store one evening. He'd almost rushed into her. "Hello Josh" she said uncertainly with a shy smile. "Hello" he said, looking at her with sparkling eyes. Then he couldn‘t help but embrace her tightly. "I missed you so much" he whispered in her ear. "I missed you, too" They went to for dinner, then they made themselves comfortable at Joshs place. He had noticed Abby's battered state already at her embrace. She had lost weight and was paler than she ever was. He tried to explain to himself that she had suffered the same way he did.  
But when the time passes by and nothing seemed to change in her condition, he began to worry. "Abby, is everything all right with you?" He asked her one evening when she looked particularly pale. "Yes everything is okay. Why? "" You look so terribly pale. And that's been going on for weeks. "She made a thoughtful face, and Josh could swear that a shadow flashed in her eyes. "I think it's because the work has been a bit hectic in the last few weeks." That could really be the reason, he thought. Abby had worked a lot, as many of her colleagues had catched a flu. "Tell Tyler from me, he shouldn‘t let you work to hard. And he's supposed to give you at least a week off when the lack of people is over. "" Yes, I'll tell him, "she smiled, giving him a kiss on the cheek.  
Josh couldn‘t fall asleep that night. He felt Abby's ribs push through her skin as she lay beside him and slept. He remembered the shadow he had seen in her eyes. Something began to bite at him that the stress on work was not the only reason why she was so weakened.  
In the following period he observed them more carefully. This only meant that his concern for her grew even more. Whenever she thought he was not looking, he saw a deep-headed expression in her face. She seemed chronically tired, and it seemed she forced herself to eat, more than anything. He could watch the life leave her, literally. One day Josh couldn‘t stand it anymore. Again, she had pushed her food around her plate and had barely eaten. As they moved into the bedroom for the night, he hugged her from behind and kissed her neck. He tried to ignore the feeling of reaching into nothingness. "Abby, I'm really worried about you. Just tell me what's wrong with you, "he whispered softly in her ear. She sighed and turned to him in his embrace, took his face in both hands, and kissed him tenderly. While she was kissing a way to his ear, it hurt Josh that he felt her hip bones through her jeans. Even her bra, which pressed against his chest, did not really hold much more. "It's all okay, Jishwa" she whispered. It was too much for him. He grabbed her shoulders and pushed them away from him. "You're lying to me," he said. Her eyes grew wide, but she didn‘t say a word. "Why don‘t you talk to me?" She still said nothing and looked down. He grabbed her chin and forced her to look at him. He could only see sadness in her eyes. "Josh, I cannot" she muttered. He let go of her and stared at her. "What, you cannot?" She didn‘t answer. "What, Abby?" She looked down again. "Hey, I'm talking to you!" He gave her a jostle against the shoulder. She looked at him distractedly and reached for her top to put it on again. "What are you doing now?" Josh asked irritably. "I think it's better when I go." "THEN GO!" He shouted at her and pushed her out of the bedroom "And don‘t come again" he growled. A few minutes later he heard his apartment door close.  
This time he wouldn‘t apologize! For what?! What could he do if Abby didn‘t want to talk to him? Maybe it was what she wanted to tell him. That she wanted to break up with him. Well, then there was nothing to say. Abby didn‘t show up anymore, and he finally surrendered to the idea that it was over.  
Four months had passed in the meantime, when Tyler was one day in the music store. "Oh Hello Tyler" Josh said as he saw him. He looked sad at him. "Is everything okay?" He asked worried. "Josh, I'm so sorry." "What are you sorry for?" He asked. Tyler's eyes grew wide. "You ... you ... don‘t know?" "What I don‘t I know?" He asked, panicking. "Josh, Abby ... Abby is dead ..." Josh's legs gave up, but Tyler got him, so he didn‘t fall. "What ?! .. How?! ... Why ?! He stammered, and tears starts running down his cheeks.  
"She didn‘t tell you?" Tyler asked confused. "What did she not tell me, Tyler?" He also took tears in his eyes and he took Josh outside to a nearby park bench before he replied "She had leukemia, Josh" he said sadly. "Oh my God" he told him. Suddenly, it all made a cruel sense. Their condition, their behavior. When he thought of how he had thrown her out of the apartment, he felt a painful whimper "What did I do?" Tyler looked at him questioningly and Josh told him what had happened. Abby's boss was silent for a while before he replied, "Wow. Abby didn‘t mention that she had any disagreements. No way. She has always been loving you. "Josh was now a bunch of misery that howled snot and water. "I think she wanted to protect you. She wanted to keep you from seeing her die. And when she could no longer keep the façade, she left. "Josh nodded. "Unfortunately, I noticed that something was wrong when you weren‘t at her funeral and I found her note in my office. "What note?" Josh asked in a trembling voice. "She sent me a letter by mail, revealing to me that she had leukemia, and that if I received this letter, she wouldn‘t be alive anymore, because she couldn‘t stand the pain anymore and she would end it by herself. "Josh gasped. Tyler stroked his back until he had calmed down again. "I immediately came to her apartment and found her there. She has taken her life with an overdose of morphine. The apartment was empty and freshly renovated. Completely finished to hand over. Next to her were documents that she had paid for the funeral and who to turn to. It shocked me frankly, with what thoroughness she had order her life to bring no great inconvenience to anyone. She even put herself on a tarpaulin, not to damage the ground afterwards. "" She must have felt so alone ... I don‘t want to imagine, how it is to die alone "Josh muttered. Tyler sighed. "By the way, in her note she told me, that she left something for you in your nightstand." "What ?!" Josh's head jerked up. He jumped off the bench and wanted to go straight to hid apartment, but Tyler held him back. " Wait. I think it's better I drive you home. In your current state, I'm not sure if you'd come home accident-free. "He knew Tyler was right and so he let him drive him home. "Thank you," he said to him as he got out of the car in front of his apartment building. Tyler just nodded and Josh couldn‘t get to his apartment quickly enough.  
He rushed into his bedroom and opened the drawer of his nightstand. He found an envelope at the bottom. "For Josh 'stood on it. He opened the envelope, pulled out the letter, and began to read.  
, My beloved Jishwa,  
I am very sorry that I left you this way. But I couldn‘t bear, that you worry about me, anymore. I thought it was the best to leave you in the belief, that I didn‘t want a relationship with you anymore. I thought it would make things easier for you. Maybe my decision was wrong, but I just wanted to protect you, Jishwa. I've done my best to stay alive for you but I‘ve failed.  
But I have always done one thing: loved you. Don‘t forget that. And Jishwa: Don‘t do anything stupid. Stay alive, for me.  
Abby '

Josh put the letter on his night table before his tears could ruin him. As soon as he reached the envelope again, he noticed something slipping inside. Josh reached inside and pulled out Abby's key with the ribbon. He whimpered softly as he remembered when Abby had lent him this one for his interview. Her smile. Her sparkling eyes. It almost killed him. He hung the pendant around his neck, hugged one of his pillows, and cried in until he fell asleep from exhaustion.  
Josh didn‘t go to the cemetery. Abby had cremated and was scattered in an anonymous meadow. Instead, he put a picture of them on the nightstand on their side of the bed. A small vase with a single red rose stood next to it, and her letter lay there. In time, he was completely tapped.  
Josh tried to keep going. To fulfill Abby's desire to carry on. Month by month went on. Although it was summer and the days were bright and friendly, it was getting darker around Josh. And somehow, only darkness still surrounded him, one day. He couldn‘t find the way back. One night after his late shift he didn‘t go home, but walked aimlessly through the city. At some point he found himself on a bridge. The water flowed calmly and black under him. Only the stars reflected in it. He swung over the parapet and dived into the dark water. No hesitation, no cry, no regret. Josh drowned and the water carried him away.

When his corpses were found a few days later and his identity was clarified, policemen broke the door of his apartment. They found a torn letter on his bed under the actual text was written in trembling writing:  
, Dear Abby,  
I'm sorry. I've been trying to live for you, but I've finally failed. Just like you.  
Love Josh '


End file.
